Kiss of Words Part 2

In life, there are moments that some have termed defining moments. Others have called such moments (more accurately, perhaps), moments of impact. Moments, when certain forces within the confines of one’s life seem to collide, resulting in an impact that changes everything forever. Each of these forces, such as events, experiences, or emotions in themselves may be nothing out of the ordinary but when put together, and at the right moment, their combined effect reverberate throughout the figurative cocoon that is a person’s life. It is as though somebody somewhere had masterfully, with uncanny precision, arranged these ordinary, everyday phenomena knowing full well that their combination would result in a defining moment.

     Back in her comfortable self-contained apartment, Peju lay on her back, staring bleakly at the ceiling. The words of Mr. Dotun, Dr. Ehime’s Masters’ student, echoed through her mind. She was so depressed. Why? She had no idea. It wasn’t the first time she had been preached to. She smiled wryly as she recalled how many Christian Sisters had come to her each with a different version of how much God was going to punish her for her lifestyle. The Brothers, on the other hand, avoided her like a plague, although she had seen looks not unlike Dumebi’s in some of their eyes during a few unguarded moments. Turning over to her side, she stared at the wall. Long forgotten tears welled up in her eyes. It was as though Mr. Dotun had known what was going on in her life. How despondent and tired of her life she had become. Maybe it was the fact that she had grown weary of Dumebi, or that Dumebi had not used a condom in awhile and she was afraid she was pregnant again, or that she would soon be graduating and she had no idea where her life was headed. It was as though a dark cloud had settled over her mind in the last few days, driving her further and further into a black hole of depression, so much so that she’d had to start stealing some of Dumebi’s weed to stay sane, or so she told herself.

     Head throbbing, Peju rose shakily from the bed and reached for the packet of panadol on the small table. She popped two in her mouth, absently wondering what throwing the entire packet into her mouth would do to her. She grunted and threw the packet down, her conversation with Mr. Dotun stubbornly clinging to her mind like those Chadian children at the market. Her aching heart begged to respond to the compassion she’d seen in his eyes and pour out her heart. She hadn’t had a real friend in years, God knew. Leaning against the table, she chewed the panadol absently, the bitter taste giving her a momentary distraction from the present. But not for long. Her mind soon began to wander again. The one thing she had been able to hold on to over the years was herself. She could give her body to whosoever desired it and could pay for its upkeep, but she had learnt how to hold on to her soul. She’d come to discover that odd as it may seem, one gave up one’s soul by words. The moment you express a part of your heart in words, you’ve given up a part of your soul…allowing access to the inner you. The problem was what the other person was going to do with that part of you. So she’d learnt to protect her soul by cynicism and dry humor, never saying anything she truly meant and never showing what emotion she truly felt. As she climbed wearily back to bed, she remembered Peter. Her secondary school boyfriend and the one guy she’d opened her heart to because she thought she was in love with him. He had been the second murderer of her body.

   Sighing heavily, she tried to sleep. She had been and would always be Peju. The ashewo. The now familiar darkness was closing in again and beads of sweat formed on her forehead. She sank deeper into the black hole of depression as images flooded her mind…images of her past, of the bloodied towels each time Dr. K did his work on her womb, images of death, of rat poison, of panadol overdose. Gasping for breath, she reached out to the small box beneath the table and rummaged feverishly till she found what she was looking for. Ten long minutes later, enveloped by choking fumes, she curled into a ball on her bed, and floated into delirium. But somewhere in the drug-induced haze, deep down in her subconscious, was the knowledge that something or Someone was calling her. And she was tired of running. 

... to be continued

Kiss of Words (part 1)

     Peju spat into the dust in disgust and slipped the last of the Tom Toms into her mouth. She looked up warily at the gathering clouds and hoped an okada would come by soon enough. It had been the usual at Dumebi’s the previous night except for the fact that she’d overslept. That was the mistake…because it meant that she couldn’t slip out of the house while Dumebi was still asleep and she’d had to endure his pathetic attempts at romance without the numbness of plenty alcohol in her blood. She spat again. She hated it so much when he kissed her, which was an irony since her body seemed dead to her. Being kissed always felt as though she had been violated, as if he had forcefully reached into her soul without her permission. Men were free to do with her body as they pleased, as long as they gave her what she wanted. She felt nothing, neither revulsion nor pleasure. Once in a while, her mind would wander back to that cold harmattan day sixteen years ago. The day her body had died its first death…and its murderer? Her trusted Uncle Wale. His thin face taunted and mocked her even now… reminding her that she was good for nothing except to give five minutes of pleasure to whatever man could put a roof over her head and food in her belly. She spat again, this time from hatred as much as disgust.  Her mind went back to Dumebi and his attempts at romance. She laughed dryly. Why did he even bother? To him, she was still nothing but an object of pleasure. She’d been with him for almost a year… her longest so far, and Dumebi did not know squat about what she did when she wasn’t with him. More accurately, he didn’t give a damn. He often times had to be reminded what department she was in. Apparently, he didn’t think she needed a life apart from the one she had with him. She laughed again. At least, his yahoo-yahoo money was allowing her to enjoy the finer things of life.

*                         *                             *  

“Good afternoon”. Dotun looked up from the papers he was grading to see Peju Daudu standing in the doorway. He felt the familiar stirrings of compassion she invoked in him every time he saw her. He’d heard all the stories, seen the video clips being passed around, heard all the cruel jokes but for some reason, all he wanted to do was reach out to her. He’d tried time and again to draw close without his actions being misinterpreted but she withdrew the more each time he tried. Shaking himself out of his momentary reverie, he smiled kindly and replied, “Aunty, how u dey?”

“Fine…please when is Dr. Ehime coming back? I need to see him.” She answered hurriedly. Judging by the awful grade he had seen earlier on her exam paper and the sardonic smile on Dr. Ehime’s face as he set it aside, Dotun knew he didn’t need to ask her why she needed to see his supervisor. He remembered how disappointed he had been when he’d found out that Dr. Ehime was going to be his project supervisor. Little did he know that God had set the perfect stage for him to reach one of Dr. Ehime’s many mistresses right under the lecturers nose. Dotun wondered again for the umpteenth time how he would ever be able to reach the girl. He had stopped asking God why he had such a strong burden for her and simply accepted that God wanted him to reach out to one of His beloved. He’d tried times without number to keep a conversation flowing without appearing as though he was making advances but she remained cold and distant. Making up his mind, he sat back in the imitation leather chair and decided for the first time to be blunt and direct.

“This isn’t the only way to get good grades, you know. You have so much potential inside of you…and you’re letting it all go to waste because you think you’re only worth anything because of your body.” He said matter-of-factly. For a brief second, Dotun saw shock and then pain flicker across Peju’s face but almost immediately, the cold aloofness returned. She laughed dryly and walked out of the door.